Bonita Applebaum or My Beautiful Bum in the Big Apple

I've been in New York, I just got home. I was preparing to do a week in food review. It was going to be a mundane list of meals and the places I ate them. I started writing it a few days ago-- still in the midst of my journey-- and realized it was not the least bit dynamic. I'm not trying to punish you with an index written in lukewarm language. Thus, this is a story of what happened on Monday.

Late in the morning I rallied myself off the couch and into many many layers--as New York has demonstrated that it has no rational weather patterns--and walked two frigid blocks, through the vestibule, and into that incredible tunnel of culinary inspiration that is Chelsea Market. The home of such delights as Bowery Kitchen Supply, Sarabeth bakery, and some other little store with specialty gourmet things (like chocolate fig balls: maybe a little counter intuitive but highly charming) made most impressive by its abundant samples laying about. At noonish I slyly snacked on cracked pieces of thin crispy cheese wafers, a chocolate oattie something (hybrid oatmeal cookie biscuit) and half of a cocoa truffle. We'll call that breakfast.

I walked in and out of every single store getting the lay of the land and when I got to the end of the tunnel, happened upon the entrance to the Food Network Studio. Not sure why I walked in. I walked up to the counter and the woman said "Hi" and I sort of froze because I realized I had no purpose standing right in front of her.
"Hi. I....uh...I'm just visiting. So this is the studio, huh? Is anything being recorded today?" "Emeril is taping now on the 6th floor, he's taping again at 4:00. If you want to come back at 3:00 I can check if there are any stand bye tickets."
"How much are tickets?" "They're free." (Let's pause for a moment and recognize that I know nothing about TV but really NOTHING about TV involving studio audiences. She looked at me like I'd just asked if people use umbrellas in the snow-- which I did ask a friend before my trip. My friend made me feel like I grew up blindfolded in a sunny meadow and so did this woman.) "Oh, um, okay thanks." Let me be clear here, I don't care about Emeril. I think he's kind of creepy. I don't watch his show, it annoys me that he says"Bam!" all the time and if Doc and the rest of the band weren't so hip, I really wouldn't care at all. I walked out of the studio and my thoughts returned to the first real meal of the day.

After much indecisive meandering, I walked into Lobster Place and settled on a small Cajun Crab soup that was simmering in a row of sailor style castiron crock pots boasting scallop and corn chowder, lobster bisque, and New England clam chowder. I went to get in line pondering how else I might augment the soup and found myself taunted by a glistening seaweed salad. At some point I'd like to do research as to how these seaweed salads that appear to be made fresh in enlightened grocery stores around the country all manage to look and taste identical. Three types of seaweed in a shimmering tangle studded with a sprinkle of sesame seeds and those perfect little flecks of red chilies. I used to have a textural aversion to seaweed salad, but it's grown on me. We won't mention the obvious thing here which is that Cajun Crab soup and Seaweed Salad have minimal ethnic overlap (cheers to fusion cuisine).

I settled at one of the tables lining the market's main artery and laid out my picnic in front of me. It was a large table and pretty soon some guys who appeared to work for the building sat down. There was much Spanish banter, I was reading and eating and not paying much mind. But then this random Caribbean guy in a nice suit sat down and without any words pulled a box out of a small brown paper bag. Out of the box popped the obvious: a flossy Rolex watch. Mr. Caribbean showed it to one of the guys sitting with me. Here's what's going on in my head: "This is New York, shady business abounds in this city. I wonder if this is a black market for watches...weird." Then I just blatantly stared at the exchange because I grew up blindfolded in a sunny meadow and have no social graces. Guy handed the watch back, then the two start chatting. Turned out it wasn't a watch deal. Mr. Caribbean said to Guy: "I have two VIP tickets to the 4:00 taping of Emeril, you want to go?" Guy: "I'm working." Cue meaningful eye contact by Assassin because I am the queen of poignant timing. Mr. Caribbean looks at me: "Oh, do you want them?" Me: "Uh, I mean, I dunno. What exactly is going on?" (I've learned it pays to look bashful rather than desperate-- why I'm not applying to grad school to get a Masters Degree in Hustle and Freebies I cannot say.)

Let's cut to the important part: Gao and I end up in the second row in the center of those cocktail tables for two that line the front side of Emeril's counter. I'll tell you right now, the only real VIP area on the set are the granite counter tops positioned on the sides and behind the counter. Those folks get it all; those tables tend to be reserved for guests on the show or executive producers. We were sitting in the JV VIP area but regardless. Little secrets to let you in on: the audience is primed before the show by a quasi comedian. I found her more amusing than Emeril whose candor made me, rather unfortunately, picture him in an "intimate" situation making pillow talk. "Aw, yeah babe." The audience is encouraged to "go crazy" when a woman waves a black and white stick but for the most part the audience goes crazy without prompting. "And then we'll add the garlic" (Audience applauds fervently.) On commercial breaks, the band doesn't usually continue to play. Instead, the studio bumps mainstream rap and R&B at a level way too loud for its largely middle-aged, mostly non-native New Yorker crowd. If you are in the second row of tables, you shouldn't expect to get anything. And if, per chance, you do get food you can't eat it until the break is over. This means it's likely lukewarm when you take your first bite. And Emeril actually cooks very little on his show. Most of it goes on in the test kitchen which, when you are waiting around in the VIP holding area, you are forbidden from going near. Another lesser known fact is that Emeril really likes kids (for reasons that escape me completely) and he invites them up during breaks and gives them ice cream that he keeps stocked in a large fridge on the stage. The little brats next to me were snacking on those pre-packaged M&M ice cream cones and Gao and I were just sitting, trying to send telepathic messages to the stage hands to give us tasty snacks being prepared by the man himself. After much cutesy smiling and a little face time from the camera man (who actually knelt beside us with a huge camera inches from our faces and whispered "Focus on Emeril, look interested, stay focused, gooood") we were awarded one of the two plates that ever made it to the second row of VIP tables. It was Rigatoni with a mushroom Gorgonzola sauce studded with chunks of beef. I'll be honest, it was alright but didn't change my life and naturally I just picked my way around the beef. Here's the weirdest part of the food situation. The stage hands continually remind the audience that it is unlikely they will be getting food but if by chance they do get it, they should share with their neighbors. Am I wrong in thinking that's pretty gross? The people in front of us got one of the first dishes and after taking a few bites offered us the plate. These people looked nice and clean enough but I couldn't help myself, I didn't want to share spaghetti with two random folks in front of me. When Gao and I got our plate we took a couple bites and then offered it to the family on our left, trying to play by the rules, but thinking they would have a similar reaction-- nope, they took it. Different strokes for different folks.

Ultimately, we were in the studio for about three hours total; it was a fairly unforgettable experience. That's what I love about New York. On any given street corner you are as likely to see Parker Posey or Mo Rocha as you are a woman with a little dog in a designer sweater. And if you are in the right place at the right time, making doe eyes at Mr. Caribbean, you might just find yourself eating rigatoni from Emeril's hand.